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LAS VEGAS – Discussing the team’s upcoming game against the Las Vegas Raiders, New England Patriots quarterback Mack Jones reportedly called the game a “must win” after head coach Bill Belichick showed pictures of the Jones family sleeping. “Right now we’re on the brink of the playoffs and we really need to go out there and win, especially after Coach Belichick gave me a manila folder with all the photos of me sleeping in my parents’ bed. He was obviously in the room with them,” said a nervous, sweaty Jones, who added that he was confident the dominant Patriots’ performance would hurt their playoff hopes and potentially his older brother’s life. “In football, sometimes you can’t control your own destiny, but we have to do what we can, especially when you’re in a division with teams like the Bills and Dolphins and your coach hands you an iPad without saying a word. An audio recording of your sleeping lover’s breathing. There’s a lot at stake here, but today we really need a win for us, our fans and my sister’s vulnerable sleeping form.” At press time, a visibly panicked Jones was seen in the Patriots locker room, giving Belichick a nervous glance while giving a pep talk to the team, who was polishing a knife in the corner.
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